Four Steps to 'Beginning Anew' in Your Relationships
With relationships and personal connections, it’s complicated. There may be fun, joy, respect, admiration and love with our close relationships. But what do we do when we experience the flip side? Even at work, there are colleagues we really like and respect and then there are others we are stuck with. We have no choice but to find ways to make it work. One moment there are positive vibes, then something negative unfolds and what comes bubbling up is deeply rooted anger, confusion, sadness or even despair. I discovered a miraculous tool to start fresh in relationships, prevent blowout fights and ease those heated arguments that you envision no way of ending well. Clearing the negativity and starting fresh reducing the drama is possible.
One summer I found myself at the late Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn's New York spiritual sanctuary, Blue Cliff Monastery, in an attempt to relieve suffering from some deep-rooted sadness and anger with difficult family dynamics. What better place to do so, I thought, than a Buddhist monastery? It was there that I learned about 'Beginning Anew', the mindfulness practice Thich Nhat Hahn developed to offer an alternate way to communicate when difficulties and anger arise within relationships. The 'Beginning Anew' practice illuminates kindness, openness and honesty when the alternate route would normally result in yelling, anger and misunderstanding.
I have personally seen radical transformation between myself and relatives in trying situations. I’ve even tried this practice at work with a former boss. After testing out 'Beginning Anew' to unbeknownst family and work colleagues the results were shocking. What was once serious toxicity eventually turned into understanding and acceptance. It really works! Here are some insights on the Art of Starting Fresh…
4 STEPS OF 'BEGINNING ANEW' IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Photo by Ravi Sharma
1. Water the Flowers: First step is to share qualities you admire about the person you are having difficulties with. Even if you are ridiculously angry, the challenge is to dig deep to find the positive characteristics you value about the person. Shine a light on strengths and well-meaning actions that have been displayed to you and others. When you set the tone by complimenting someone first and spreading love, you are guaranteed that the conversation's negative tables will turn. Zen practitioners label this as “watering flowers.” It's about nourishing the beauty in another person. Whether you like them or not, you are speaking authentically, from the heart, finding the good in others.
2. Accept and admit the TRUTH about yourself: Looking in the mirror and honestly recognizing our faults and missteps is the hard part. Even more so is admitting your wrongdoings and regrets. You must openly apologize for any negative thoughts or actions that you engaged in. No fun, but it's a MUST.
3. Drop the bomb gently. Mindfully share the details underneath your hurt and anger. With honesty, calmly explain exactly what interactions and words hurt you and why. Expressing your truth will set you free, but this way, you are engaging with kindness and calming energy. The news may be difficult for the person to hear, but they will accept it from a surprisingly more receptive and open lens.
4. Embodying vulnerability and asking for support. We all have deep-rooted issues from our past that rise up within us on occasion and are the source of our pain and challenges. This is nothing to be ashamed of....or so I am learning late in the game. These issues may subliminally be causing the trouble you are having right now. By being open and sharing your truth, it allows others to understand you on another level and thereby offer you support. In this last step of the Beginning Anew practice its okay to ask for help. So many people let pride get in the way, so they avoid asking for help at all costs. If this sounds like you, there is another way, with surprisingly better results. At the end of your conversation, try mentioning how this person can support you and ask them what support they need from you moving forward.
As a Professional Coach, I have introduced this mindfulness practice of 'Beginning Anew' to my clients which has always led to positive results. One client, 'Thomas', had a strained relationship with his teenage daughter and difficulties communicating with his ex. For years the regrets and lack of connection with his daughter brought sadness and despair. 'Thomas' engaged in 'Beginning Anew' with both his ex and daughter to miraculous results! After being kept out of the loop for so long, he was finally invited into the fold. He was warmly invited to participate in his daughter's important life events and she is now slowly opening up and letting him in. This shift has brought immense happiness. Before 'Beginning Anew,’ 'Thomas' was close to giving up all together to avoid the ongoing pain. As many of us don't want to admit, avoidance will never solve the problem, but mindful communication, derived from honesty and kindness, sure will.
In my own professional life, there was an unfolding at work where my boss got mad at me for a mistake I made and his angry response was completely inappropriate and uncalled for. My response to the disrespect wasn’t exactly they nicest, most professional way to conduct myself. I wrote a very mean email to him. I went off. After I hit send, I knew two wrongs did not make a right. I decided to use this Beginning Anew practice via email at first. I knew despite his wrongdoing and my error, I didn’t need to dish it back. I did apologize for my role in our issue. He was so shocked and pleasantly surprised with my kind and thoughtful response that he invited me to breakfast. We had an in-person Beginning Anew moment (unbeknownst to him.) We made up and continued our working relationship on a good note. I am so grateful I had this healing practice to fall back to because otherwise, I would have ruined a good working relationship with someone I respected. Your reputation is everything, so I didn’t need to go down like that.
One doesn't have to visit Buddhist monasteries to absorb the wisdom. When things get heated in your life and relationships, of any kind, are causing you suffering, utilize these four steps as the art to starting fresh. Compassionate understanding leads to peace and joy, no matter what type of relationship you are dealing with. What I have learned is that mindfulness is the way.
If you would like support to elevate confidence to take action towards your dreams, for life, love and work, feel free to schedule a Clarity Call with me. I help women, and a few special men, create dream professional lives, heal relationships and find the clarity necessary to embody living their best lives.
